I have to be strong

As I said earlier today, I would post some more later. Well, it’s definitely later and I am feeling the need to post more so I can vent.

 

I don’t know why I’ve felt so down and lonely lately, but it seems to be getting to me. As much as I’d love sexual attention from an attractive woman, I don’t want to use anyone because I’m unable to be alone. And lately I’ve been wanting to hang out with one of my old friends that I used to IM with all the time, her name is Jodi. Ever since re-connecting with her on facebook, I figured she would want to talk again and we could have some good times.

Well, as it turns out, because I didn’t make my move on her back then, she’s rather pissed. I don’t blame her for feeling like I left her in the dust, but at the same time it was years ago. I couldn’t control the fact that I moved away to Idaho and lost touch with everyone.

Regardless, I still text her every so often, and sometimes I get a response, her even saying she’d like to hang out. But every time I ask what she’d like to do, I get no reply. I can’t help but feel like I’m being blatantly ignored, instead of being told to fuck off or something.

So now whenever I get on facebook and see her post something, I feel down because I can’t seem to make a connection. I want more than anything for us to be friends, maybe even more!!!!, but it continually seems to be a lost cause. So I’m thinking of making a facebook status, or just text her, saying that I’m going to Patrick’s Point, either tuesday or wednesday, and that I’ll be there most of the day, and anyone wanting to hang out, just show up.

I figure if that doesn’t inspire anything, then I’ll just confront her. Worst case scenario, I can’t talk to her ever again.

 

I just hope it doesn’t come to that. Oui, I am quite the wreck.

Just one of those days

All day today my emotions have been up and down. I’ve come to find that my thoughts usually end up on a few trains of thought that may be the cause of this.

One of them being, I’m beginning to feel lonely. I do want to make sure I’ve had time to heal and not be carrying so much emotional baggage, but I still can’t help but feel melancholy about being single. At times I want nothing more than to just hug a woman and make her feel like the happiest woman in the world, but then I sometimes flip around and feel like I should repel them because of my own insecurities and lack of self-confidence. I don’t really know what to do with myself.

I know I should stick to the standards I have, but I question if they might be too high? Or will I be able to have them fulfilled? Will I meet my dream woman?

I keep reassuring myself I will, I just need time.

So then comes my next line of thought, will I really meet her living with my friends? Sleeping in what is clearly the laundry/storage room? Or will I eventually lose all sense of motivation and become ‘satisfied’ with my situation?

I love living with my friends, they are awesome as all hell, but I can’t help feeling like I’m not going to truly live for myself until I live on my own. Then I lay here and think it all over.

And this bottled up rage that clearly shows when I’m under enough stress, I don’t know how to release it in a healthy way. When I am ready to let out aggression, I stop caring about anyone’s feelings, and sometimes even feel like going as far as beating one of my best friends to a bloody pulp.

Hell, I’ve strangled both my little brother and little sister out of sheer anger. Not so much because of them, though they didn’t help, but from my hatred of someone else.

Here’s a little story,

 

Back in around 4th grade, I was 9 years-old and my brothers and I would move back and forth between my dad and my mom’s place every week to two weeks. Staying at my dad’s was fun at first, since I always admired my dad and thought he would do the coolest stuff. It was around that time I my dad was juggling between full-time college and a job, so he clearly had a lot on his mind. I remember my brothers and I (I have a little sister, a little brother, and an older brother and older sister btw, I’m the middle child XD) having to do chores around my dad’s house. Since it was a first for me and my little brother, we weren’t very good at what he asked us to do.

But sometimes that didn’t matter to my dad. Apparently, at 9 years-old, I had to be rather good at doing dishes, or vacuuming the floor, or cleaning the bathroom. Because if I wasn’t, I would have to do it again, mainly the dishes. On top of being spanked with a belt for not doing it right. Along with that, if you didn’t like what dad cooked, you wouldn’t eat, and also get a spanking with the belt for that, then have to eat it for breakfast in the morning. This happened with me every time my dad made beans. I would attempt to eat them, but always choke and need to vomit upon consuming them. Even when I would guzzle down as much water or juice as I could. My dad would always say, “I wouldn’t make you eat anything I wouldn’t. My dad did it the same way.” So, there was no escaping punishment when he made beans. Also, he is a firm believer in Christ, and it really showed then. Not only would we have to sit and listen to him read a chapter from the Bible every night before bed, we’d of course go to church on sundays, but also any other day of the friggin’ week he committed himself to it.

So, with all this, I started to grow a hatred for my dad. That has taken years to finally die down. After awhile, it seemed like my brothers never really got in trouble, even my dad has admitted to this, and I would be singled out. It was to a point that I would expect him to come home and yell at me for something I didn’t do, or didn’t do right.

Anyways, the main point I was getting to is that because of my anger towards my dad, when I had to babysit my little brother and little sister at my mom’s house, I did something I feel horrible about even to this day. My little brother and sister never really got along well, they always fought, and at that point in time, I never responded well to anger, it was either fight or flight. That day I chose fight.

So, those two were yelling and bickering about something while I was watching tv. I decided to take it upon myself to do something about it. I yelled at my little brother to come into the kitchen, to which he came in all pissed off. I started going off on him, telling him to stop fighting with his sister. He of course started yelling back, saying I’m not the parent.

That’s when I lost it.

My hand shot out and grabbed my little brother’s throat as I gritted my teeth and told him that he better listen to me. Half a second later I realized what I was doing and let him go. My little sister happened to come out and see that, which she then ran into her room crying, and my little brother went into his, silently. I don’t remember what my siblings did in their rooms because I started to cry as I buried myself into the couch, horrified that I was even capable of doing that, and if I was going to end up just like my dad, yelling and screaming at my little brother and sister all the time, making them fear me.

I swore that I wouldn’t let myself feel anger anymore. That I would do all I can to restrain it, because all it ever did was hurt those I loved, and scare everyone.

So no matter how badly I wanted to lash out at my dad, I wouldn’t let myself. I scared myself with the things I thought of.

Well shit, I will tell you all more about it if you’d like, but for now I am going to sleep. It is almost 10am here and I got off work at 6am XD

Until next time

The Sword of Dragons (Battle Scene)

Ever since High school, I have was working on a book that I keep thinking of ideas for all the time. I was honestly so inspired by my dad, and my English teacher’s, praise for an assignment we had to do. Ever since I have always felt compelled to expand upon this, at the time new found, ability that I wanted to write this book. However time and time again I would try and lose steam after a period of time. So I’m hoping that by writing bits and pieces on here, that I can get the motivation I need to complete it. Here is a particular battle scene that has been playing in my head for awhile.  Enjoy
Rain poured down from the night sky, thunder could be heard coming from beyond the mountains that stood leagues away. Barkstripe counted his lucky stars as he walked through the dense forest, it’s canopy blocking most of the rain, save for what could be called a few leaks, that managed to trickle down to the forest bed. Barkstripe’s lean, humanoid fox body was still hunched over from weariness as he forced himself to keep moving, though he carried only a backpack for all his gear and a broadsword at his hip, he still felt like the weight of the world was pressing down upon him. Keeping his cloak held tightly about him to keep what warmth his body still had where it belonged, his violet eyes still held a fiery determination behind them while his mind kept playing out what he had to do. He must kill Narroth.

It wasn’t long before Barkstripe reached a dead end on his path by what looked to be a wall of stone, a set of ornate double-doors etched into it. He didn’t hesitate to open them as his heart jumped to his throat in anticipation.

As he opened the doors, Barkstripe saw what could only be described as a vast throne room. A crimson red carpet stretched to the end of the room, where Barkstripe’s target sat in his throne, with an evil smile stretched across his red, scaly face. Narroth is much larger than normal lizard-men, standing a foot taller with a much more muscular build. His yellow, raptor-like eyes always taking everything in, seemingly hyper-aware to their surroundings. Narroth wore no armor, much like Barkstripe, and only had a simple tunic with a pair of breeches on with a long katana at his hip.

“Narroth,” Barkstripe whispered to himself, his entire being now beginning to flare with rage at the sight of his mortal enemy.

“So good of you to come, Barkstripe,” Narroth said, spreading his arms out, “Welcome to my kingdom!”

Barkstripe gritted his teeth, “Where is Selene?” as he clenched his broadsword, wanting so badly to strike his enemy down right now.

Narroth chuckled, “That useless woman you so dearly care for?” he shrugged, “I have no idea where she is. After capturing her I gave her to my fellow lizard-men and let them do as they will with her. Who knows if she’s even alive?” At that Narroth laughed, clearly entertained by Barkstripe’s barely contained rage.

At this Barkstripe leapt across the throne room, broadsword flashing out of it’s sheath as he screamed with uncontrollable rage, his sword coming down in an over-heard swing. Narroth’s katana stopped the blow, their swords locked in place as Barkstripe was held in the air. Their swords continued to clash as each blow kept Barkstripe in the air, neither of their swords reaching past the center of the space that separated them. Narroth’s katana clashed with Barkstripe’s sword once more, but this time Narroth put his weight into it, sending Barkstripe flying backwards into the nearest marble pillar.

Barkstripe could feel the pillar give way to the shape of his body as he crashed into it, losing all the breath in his lungs for a moment. He quickly recovered and launched himself off of the pillar, rushing back towards Narroth, where their dance continued. Narroth continued to smile, clearly feeling like he had the upper hand. Barkstripe could see it in those disgusting eye’s of Narroth’s, which made him all the more desperate to win. This was when Barkstripe surprised Narroth by knocking his katana to the side, giving Barkstripe the opening he needed. Barkstripe clenched his fist, all the energy in his body rushing to his hand as it went sailing into Narroth’s chest, sending the scaly bastard flying through his throne and into the marble wall behind it.

Barkstripe waited for the dust to clear as he could hear Narroth getting to his feet. Breathing heavily Narroth chuckled, “Well, it seems I still can’t toy with you. This is good. Let’s see what you’re truly capable of.”

Narroth walked out of the hole in the wall, his evil smile still pasted on his face. In a flash their swords clashed again, this time Barkstripe struggled to keep up as Narroth attacked him with a burst of speed he didn’t think possible. Barkstripe could no long match Narroth blow for blow as each cut, thrust and slash he couldn’t block drew blood. He knew that he couldn’t take much more with so many open wounds. Everything seemed to come to a stop as Barkstripe knew what he had to do, though every time he had to, he prayed it would be the last.

It was time to feed a portion of his soul to his sword.

As he felt the ravenous grip of his sword on his soul, Barkstripe’s eyes locked with Narroth’s. He could see the confusion creeping its way into Narroth’s eyes as Barkstripe smiled to himself, finding a strange, twisted pleasure in the situation. As realization washed over Narroth, Barkstripe began attacking with a new fury. They were now fighting on equal terms again, but Narroth was no longer smiling, fear now showing on his face.

Barkstripe mirthlessly chuckled, “What’s wrong Narroth? Afraid of a silly animal?”

Narroth continued to look at Barkstripe in fear, seemingly at a loss for words. Barkstripe took the opportunity to fight harder, now overpowering his enemy. He sent Narroth’s katana flying, then taking a moment to relish the panic that was in his enemy’s formerly smiling face. Barkstripe tackled Narroth to the ground, immediately bashing in Narroth’s face with the pummel of  his sword while screaming, “Where is Selene?”

When Narroth didn’t reply, Barkstripe took his sword and stabbed it into Narroth’s arm, repeating his question, “Where is she?!”

Narroth still didn’t reply as he raggedly gasped for air, his face now very broken. Barkstripe then gripped his sword and whispered a few strange words. His sword turned black as Narroth began to scream in agony as his soul was being slowly consumed by Barkstripe’s sword.  Barkstripe asked again, “Where is Selene?”

This time Narroth replied, “I can take you to her, please, I would tell you but you couldn’t get there yourself. I have to lead you there.”

Barkstripe pulled his sword out of Narroth’s arm, the blackness on it fading away as Barkstripe sheathed it, “Take me there now.”

Before Narroth could say anymore, he passed out, drained of more than just blood. Barkstripe did what he could to make sure Narroth wouldn’t bleed to death and tied him up. It was then that Barkstripe felt the strain of their battle as well and couldn’t stop himself from passing out as well.

I hope you all enjoyed that! I will be sure to write more as time goes on!